If you’re looking for tips on how to gain minimal weight while pregnant, this is not the post for you. If you’re looking for a hilarious step-by-step tutorial on gaining too much weight during pregnancy– a solid 50 pounds at least, then you’ve come to the right place!
*This should go without saying but: This is not medical advice. It’s satire (obviously). Don’t sue me (I’m a stay at home mom with three kids–soon to be four–so I don’t have $ for you to take anyway).*
To be clear — this is just what’s worked for me. This tried and true pregnancy diet plan has led me to a roughly 50-pound weight gain for three pregnancies in a row (Okay fine, the first time I only gained 42, but I was an amateur.).
I’m still near the beginning of the second trimester with Baby 4 and siting pretty on Step 5 of the system (correction: nothing is pretty right now, thank you nausea and hormonal acne).
Now let’s get started!
Gaining Too Much Weight During Pregnancy: A Handy DIY Guide
The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists recommends 25-35 pounds of weight gain for a healthy woman in an average singleton pregnancy. If you’re here, it’s because you’re an over-achiever and you know you can crush those recommendations with several months still to spare in your pregnancy.
Stickers and gold stars for you!
Step 1: Get pregnant (obviously!)
Bonus points if it’s unplanned or you haven’t yet lost all the weight from your previous pregnancy.
This will help make gaining too much weight this time around that much easier.
Step 2: Get violently ill.
Not just a little nausea either — I mean, throwing up all day for weeks on end. Lose at least five pounds.
This may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s actually very important.
If you’re one of those lucky women who doesn’t get sick when you’re pregnant, first, I need to say that I hate you a little bit. Second, you can still be successful on your massive weight gain endeavor. You’ll just skip right to Step 6.
Step 3: Lay on the couch as much as physically possible for 3-4 months (not weeks).
You are too ill to function in meaningful ways. The combination of this and Step 2 should effectively kill your metabolism. Cha-ching!
Step 4: Exhaust all home remedies and low-grade prescriptions to bring your pregnancy nausea and vomiting under control.
At this point, the doctor will decide you need to move to Zofran. This is where the plan really starts to kick into action.
Step 5: Zofran mostly stops the endless vomiting
–but you’ll still feel like vomiting for most of the day and night.
Eating carbs will help with this nausea a very, very, microscopic little bit. So what do you do? Eat all the carbs on Planet Earth, nonstop.
Bread, pizza, leftover Elmo birthday cake—nothing starchy is outside of your domain.
Now you’re cooking with gas!
Courtesy of your dead metabolism, those pounds will come rolling in. First, the five you lost, and soon, fifty more of their friends.
Slurpees have been one of my few appealing “foods” lately, so in addition to gaining pounds, I’m also probably gaining diabetes. The joys of pregnancy just keep on giving, don’t they?!
Step 6: Eventually, the nausea will go away.
For me, this is always around weeks 18-20, but every pregnancy is different.
You haven’t enjoyed a food item in four+ months. Now you’re legitimately hungry and you actually *want* to eat food.
And eat food you do. All of it.
(Fortunately, your spouse’s standards will have slipped during this time as well. If you manage to shower and brush your teeth and hair, he will come home from work and say, “You look really nice today.” Mission accomplished!)
Step 7: Give up any pretenses about not gaining too much weight during this pregnancy.
Around month 7, when you’ve gained all the allotted weight for your entire pregnancy, give up.
You still have two months left and your baby alone still has 6+ more pounds to gain. There’s no way you’re coming in even close to the recommended 25-35 pounds. Gaining too much weight during this pregnancy is now virtually a guarantee. Congratulations!
Make your peace with it and hope that breastfeeding and pumping can help you undo some of this damage two months from now.
(Spoiler alert: it can’t. Nursing might help, but you worked on this 50-pack for nine full months. It’s going to take a while to recover.)
The good news: you may be huge and uncomfortable as heck, full-on waddling to all your destinations, but at least you get a cute new baby at the end!
Do you have any “tips” of your own to add for the mom looking to gain too much weight during pregnancy?
Drop them in the comments section!
Pregnant right now? Be sure to check out these 25 Funny Pregnancy Quotes to give you a few more chuckles (plus a few memes to save).