While this funny Mother’s Day message was specifically written to my mom, I think it’s pretty universal. If you have a mom, and especially if you ARE a mom, you’ll probably see a lot of yourself (and maybe all of yourself) in this funny Mother’s Day letter.
Last year, I wrote a heartfelt Mother’s Day letter to my mother for Mother’s Day and I meant every word of it. This year… well, this year I decided to go in another direction.
If last year’s letter was honest and sincere, this Mother’s Day message is honest and… hilarious.
So here we go:
To My Dear Mom,
I thought about sending you a funny Mother’s Day message this year in the form of ridiculous tweets, sarcastic quotes, and hilarious Mother’s Day memes (after all, memes are my preferred love language). However, that’s not really any different than the 42387 texts I send you daily.
I decided it would be better if, in honor of Mother’s Day, I wrote you a complete letter of appreciation. After being interrupted countless times by your grandchildren (why won’t you take these feral children away?!), I managed to complete it.
In short, my Mother’s Day message to you is: Thank You (but funny).
Thank you for letting me rent your body for 9 months — and wreck it for a lifetime.
I now know that losing the pregnancy weight is just one tiny thing on a massive list of bodily changes pregnancy brings. I’m sorry for my contribution towards creaky hips, stretch marks, and any nervous feelings your bladder may experience when you have to cough or sneeze.
(To be fair, there is blame to be shared here. My brother was a bigger baby and overdue, but I digress…)
Thank you for not knocking me out of my seat when I complained about the “disgusting” dinner you cooked. Rather than treating me like the ungrateful wench I was and telling me to starve, you continued to prepare meals daily.
I appreciate all that time you spent cooking that you could’ve spent far more happily watching TV, reading a magazine, or literally doing anything else because cooking dinner for kids is the worst.
I am very thankful for all of it. (Well… except for that one particular veggie side dish — you know the one. That one really was disgusting and, 30+ years later, I stand firmly by that assessment.)
Thank you for telling me my face would “freeze like that” when I made this one truly God-awful face. I used to push my nose up and make my eyes all weird. I was truly a beautiful marvel to behold (cue the sarcastic coughing).
No, my face technically wouldn’t have frozen like that. However, I’m at the age now where my wrinkles are really starting to show. I am SO darn grateful that those particular lines are not among the ones permanently etched into my face.
Thank you for sacrificing your evenings at home to drive me to 21948735 things. As a kid, I didn’t realize that we had practices and activities eleventy times per week. But now, as a parent? Oh, I know.
And this was before there were entertaining things like iPhones and podcasts to help pass that driving time. All you had was me and my DELIGHTFUL self for company (plus that newfangled 6-disc car CD-player). Bless you.
Thank you for letting me live despite the things that came out of my mouth. My oldest is only in the third grade and I already find myself ready to quote Stanley from The Office with astounding regularity.
It turns out, you were not actually “the worst.” You did not actually “not know anything.” And you, shockingly, were not attempting to “ruin my life.” When I look in the mirror and see that I still have all my teeth, thanks for that. I doubt anyone would’ve blamed you for knocking a few of those out during my teen years.
Thank you for waiting up for me. Right now, my kids go to bed at 8:00 and I am DEAD at that point. The thought of having to physically stay awake past 9:00 PM is a travesty. When I have a “Girl’s Night Out” that lasts until midnight, I have to binge caffeine all day in preparation and rest and recover for two days afterwards.
Now I get why you were always sitting up on the couch, clinging to consciousness like a character from The Walking Dead when I came in at 11:59:59999999 PM for my midnight curfew. Thanks for sacrificing your sleep to make sure I wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere.
Thank you for having friends. I know this probably sounds like a funny thing to thank your mother for, but now that I’m grown, I realize how important that was.
Maintaining friendships after you have kids requires a ridiculous amount of effort. My brain has turned into swiss cheese and I can hardly remember where my phone is, let alone remember to return a text message. But having mom friends is so important.
Who else can I tell when my kid writes all about my messy house for his classroom writing assignment? Who else is going to drink wine on my back deck while trying to survive the teenage years? Who else is going to tell me their funniest sleep deprivation stories and allow me to publish them?
Now that I’ve written you both a sincere Mother’s Day letter and a funny Mother’s Day message, I think we may be in a little bit of a bind for next year.
Perhaps you can look forward to my third installment– the best Mother’s Day Letter yet: a Mean and Ungrateful Mother’s Day Message. (That doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?)
At least I have some time to figure that one out. In the meantime,
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I hope this message gave you a laugh.
–But only a little chuckle. Not the kind that makes a mom pee her pants laughing.
(Again, I’m really sorry about that…)
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