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Daily Life,  motherhood,  Sassy, Snarky, & Sarcastic Parenting Humor

5 Parental Superpowers My Husband Possesses (That I, Apparently, Do Not)

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Last week, I wrote a post about five parental superpowers I possess that my husband is lacking. This street runs two ways. After seven years and counting as parents, it’s become very apparent that my husband has some parental superpowers of his own that I lack.

In no particular order, those superpowers include…

The ability to do bedtime without losing his sh-t.

At first glance, this may not seem like a parental superpower, but it definitely is.

My children go to bed at 8:00 pm, and at least one of them (if not all three) is up-and-at-em by 6:00 am. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so that’s 14 hours of uninterrupted mommy-kid time. Apparently, my threshold for that kind of bonding is actually somewhere around 12-13 hours. By bedtime, I can’t take it anymore!

It may be just a few minutes, but waiting for my kids to brush their teeth or complete a look-and-find book feels torturous and Drill Sergeant Mommy emerges (“Brush!” “Potty!” “Flush!” “Move, move, move!”). When I manage to do bedtime without being mean-mommy, it’s because I have plastered a fake Stepford Smile on my face and am filtering every single syllable from my mouth through a strainer of fake-pleasantry.

Meanwhile, Dad handles bedtime like a boss and can typically manage multiple delays like a sane human being. Not surprisingly, the kids always whine when it’s Mommy’s turn to do bedtime (mommy whines too, but I whine–and then wine–on the inside).

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Tune out the children saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

If there were a best-filterer award, my husband would win it. My kids can call him repeatedly, and he genuinely will not hear it.

He usually notices somewhere around the 7th or 8th time, when either the children’s cries have reached a glass-breaking fever pitch, or I snap and yell “PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE LAND, ANSWER THEM!

And in the middle of the night? Apparently that house-shaking snore that hubby is rocking only magnifies this special parental superpower of his. Fantastic.

Grocery shop with all three kids, drama-free.

I hate grocery shopping with my kids. Hate Hate Hate!

Someone always cries (usually me), I frequently forget something important (even with a list), and we typically make some kind of a scene (three small boys have a knack for that). Such a trip requires a preemptive triple-application of deodorant because the stress of it all usually makes me sweat through at least one layer of clothing.

My husband doesn’t experience any of this. In fact, he’d prefer to take the kids shopping rather than staying home with them. It’s madness. Granted, he usually buys them a donut and purchases a toy, two things known to prompt compliance in our kids, but still. Advantage, Dad.

Superior Butt-Wiping.

You wouldn’t think this would be a thing, but, apparently, it is. My middle son still requires some assistance in this area and he has made his preference crystal clear: he wants Daddy to wipe him.

This is unfortunate, since Daddy is at work for 90% of the household poop incidents, but the other 10%? That’s all Dad. And let me just say, you know what’s a bit of a blow to the ego? Being told, in no uncertain terms, that you are not worthy enough to wipe someone else’s butt.

The ability to wash, dry, and fold laundry on the same day.

Our fraternity house generates a lot of laundry. When my husband does a load of laundry, he does it all at once, more or less.

When I do a load, it can take me days, because I have to account for the re-washing of the mildewy clothes I forgot in the washing machine and the re-drying of the wrinkly clothes that I left in the dryer.

Worth noting: hubby is also very good at adding the laundry detergent to the washer before the cycle is finished running; I have been sidetracked and missed this step more times than I can count.

It’s great to have someone who complements your strengths and weaknesses because parenting is a 24-7-365-Forever gig. Between hubby’s parental superpowers and mine, we’re well on our way to a successful household. Really, all we need to do is add a few sister wives (preferably ones who like to cook and clean) and we’ll have a complete parental package!

*****

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20 Comments

  • The Undomestic Goddess

    OMG, my husband does NOT hear them talking to him, EVER. It’s so freaking annoying! Granted a lot of times he doesn’t hear me, either! I also have three boys- 1, 3, and 4. It’s definitely a WILD ride!

  • cindykolbe

    Yes! My husband often didn’t hear those repetitive demands, especially after years of experience as an elementary teacher. My theory is that it’s a self-preservation gene that unfairly favors men. 😉 But then, as I’m sure you know, moms also have superpowers of our own!

  • lifeofababema

    LOOOL ARE YOU ME?! Everything you said here is so true. My 2 year old daughter actually calls me babe (I think they say that kids are like sponges…they really are). “BABE! BABE! COME HERE COME HERE BABE!” After a while it sounds like nails on a chalkboard and I want to explode. But my husband takes it like a champ! My kids can call him 50 times in a row and he still walks around with a smile. Meanwhile I have steam coming out of my ears.

    • Charissa @ The Wild, Wild West

      Oh my goodness, I know exactly what you mean about sponges. My son recently said, “Mom’s hot!” I shot my husband the “Look what you’ve started?!” look. My husband‘s grandmother once told us that she told her kids when they were younger “I’m going to change my name to ‘Sh-t’ so you can’t say it!!” That one had me rolling with laughter!

      Charissa

    • Charissa @ The Wild, Wild West

      Hi Lifeofbabema,

      It’s so funny when they pick up things like that (“babe!”). As for the not hearing them calling, sometimes I marvel at his patience and other times I wonder if hubby actually needs to get his ears checked immediately, if not sooner.

      Thanks for reading!
      Charissa

  • yorkshiremumof4

    Hha, After 4 kids I have solutions for everything – I can tune out, the kids don’t come shopping and I have a whiteboard with instructions to get the husband to do chores 🙂 I love the pictures on your blog – My husband and son loves marvel.

    • Charissa @ The Wild, Wild West

      Hi Yorkshiremum,

      4? That’s awesome! I wish I could tune things out better than I can. I find that I can handle all the noise and “Mom!Mom!Mom!” to a point and then… BOOM! System overload! 🙂 I don’t think I’ve taken all three kids shopping in at least six months (and my goal is not to do it again until one of the kids is old enough to drive me there lol). We do Wal-Mart grocery pick-up, Shipt (to the house), or hubby goes so I can stay out of the insane asylum.

      And thank you! Between the three boys, my parents have purchased nearly every superhero costume in existence over the last several years. It looks like we’re waiting to launch our own Infinity War.

      Thanks for reading!
      Charissa

  • Anna

    Those superpowers are pretty similar to the dad-superpowers at my house, too. Mr. A can carry on his half of a conversation while both girls are whining for acknowledgement, and then looks surprised when I interrupt to tell him they’re trying to get his attention! He’s also much better at bedtime than me – I’m like you and have reached my threshold by then.

    • Charissa @ The Wild, Wild West

      Hi Anna,

      Yes, it’s like selective hearing (or “selective ignoring”) is a talent that’s carried only on the Y chromosome or something 🙂 And oh man, bedtime –gah! I get the jitters just thinking about it. Why does bedtime have to be a thing? Why can’t a kid just power-down like an electronic?!

      Charissa

    • Charissa @ The Wild, Wild West

      Hi Laurence,

      I’m glad I could give you a chuckle 🙂 I wish I could say it was untrue but alas… it’s legit. I honestly don’t remember if the oldest was like this or not (he’s been on his own for years), and we’re not there yet with the youngest.

      Charissa

  • Rishabh Anand

    number 1 is like a reverse kevin james situations. If you don’t know what I mean, watch his netflix special. It’s hilarious.

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